6 weeks

So, in only 5 more days I will have my 1st u/s.  I am excited and extremely nervous.  I'm still waiting for the moment someone has to wake me from this dream. 

I still don't understand how this all happened.  I mean, I know if you have sex you can become pregnant....but I had tried that for 33 cycles before this!  I was inseminated not once, not twice but 6 times and it didn't work.  I just can't believe after all we have been through and what we planned on going through, that this could happen like this.  It is too good to be true and that's what scares me most.



Bruno Mars - "It will rain"

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor, oh
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making
To keep you by my side
And keep you from walking out the door.

Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Saying there goes my little girl
walking with that troublesome guy
But they're just afraid of something they can't understand

Oooh well little darling watch me change their minds
Yea for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain

Ooooh Don't just say
goodbye, don't just say, goodbye
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain...

5 week pregnant...

Ok....well I have made it another week.

Only 35 more to go (I hope I make it that far).

2nd beta was in earlier this week.  At 17dpo it was 859.  I am happy with that number, but still anxious.  I have my 1st u/s with Dr. M. on Jan 5th.  Seems like forever away ...even though I know it is not.

4 weeks pregnant....so they say.

Ok...Here I am being a negative Nancy again, but do you blame me?

The good news?  I got my beta results back from my 13dpo b/w  HCG = 130, P4 = 24.  I am quite happy with the results.  When the RE called and said "congrats", I felt so weird and said, "thanks, I guess".  I must sound like such a B word.

The bad news?  I am spotting more today.  It had been brown, but today around 4PM, I started having red spotting.  DAMN IT!  Why??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

Guess all I can do for now is take it easy, drink water and HOPE that the spotting goes away.

Could it be?

I have always been the realist...some might even say, pessimist.

But, maybe there is a glimmer of hope....

We Found Love

Rihanna - ‘We Found Love’ Lyrics

Yellow diamonds in the light
And we’re standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
But I’ve gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide

Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
But I’ve gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

CD 1 of cycle 33....

I mean, I think I am on cycle 33, does anyone even know anymore?  Does it even matter?

Anyway, I had my post-op appt. with Dr. M. a couple days ago.  It was pretty uneventful, but good.

Basically:

• my uterus was attached to my bladder
• my uterus was also attached to the fat wall in front of my "guts"
• endometriosis removed from left tube/ovary area
• right tube untwisted and adhesions released
• still have hematoma over incision over right tube

Dr. M. said he was pretty sure my right tube was not functioning, but my left probably was/is.  So, I am somewhat hopefully since I now have 2 tubes that work, but still concerned since I had one tube that was "working" all along.

We decided that DH and I will "try on our own" this cycle since we will be going on vacation in 2 weeks.  A vacation baby???  I sure hope so, but after 32 cycles...I think we know how this one will end.

"I want to know what love is"

"I Want To Know What Love Is"


I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Let's talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and I'm feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah

Laparoscopy complete!

And....owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ok...maybe I am a little dramatic, but I am in more pain than I expected.

Dr. M. spent about 2 hours working on my Lap & SHG yesterday.  I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet, but he did speak with DH.  DH told me that there were adhesions on my right tube and it was folded over.  Dr. M. was able to "free it up" and he also took care of some endometriosis.

I have 4 "incisions", but only 2 of them are new holes since he was able to use part of my c-section scar and my belly button scar.  Not that it matters...I am a human pin cushion and slicer uper.  This is my 4th surgery in 3.5 years.  DH told me that I must love that surgical center....must be a love-hate relationship, because I sure do hate it right now!

All in all, I am glad the lap is done.  I am glad there was "something in there" and he could do "something about it".  I will call on Monday for a follow-up appt.

DH has his uro appt. on Wednesday.  Again, I don't know what I hope to find out there, but it is a step that needs to be taken...

My potential hero...Dr. M.

Where's my sister?

Ok... we all know IF sucks.  Sucks doesn't even describe it really.

Anywho, on the way home from a birthday party, the convo goes like this...

DS- "Where's my sister?"

Me - "You don't have a sister"

DS- "Where's my brother"

Me- "You don't have a brother"

DS- "My have one soon?"

Me- "Yes, ummm, I mean maybe soon, yes, maybe"

It has finally happened.  DS realizes that he doesn't have a sibling.  IF sucks for me....IF sucks for DH and now IF sucks for DS. 

Cycle 32 =

Laparoscopy scheduled for 10/7/11.

I can't believe (well yes I can) that even with 6 follies and b2b IUIs I still can't get pregnant.  Nonsense!

I don't really know what to expect at the Lap and don't exactly know what I hope happens.  All I know is, something needs to happen before IUI #6.

Cycle 31....

To sum it all up....

CD 2, went in for baseline u/s and b/w.  U/s showed that the cysts are gone...but there was a lot of fluid in my ovaries.  Whatever that means?  Guess it wasn't too bad, because Dr. M. sent me off for b/w (which was an E2 level of 36).

I stimmed that night (CD 2) even though I asked if it was too early and if it was too many units.  I was told twice that it was fine.  I stimmed for 6 days total, which brought me to have b/w done on CD 7.  I called on CD 8 and my E2 was 846.  So...of course they wanted me to come in for an u/s.  I mean....CD 8 is super early to ovulate, but I had just gotten a + OPK the day before. 

So....u/s at CD 8 shows 6 follies (one of which looks like it might be almost ovulating based on its shape).  No suprise really.  I trigger on CD 8 and show up the next day for my IUI.  DH's post wash numbers were 5.2 million (95% motile).  Not horrible!  We decided to do b2b IUIs this time also.  So I went in on CD 10 for another IUI.  We had 4.7 million (100% motile).  So if nothing else....Cycle 31 has shown us an improvement in post-wash motlility.  Hey....I have to look for the silver lining somewhere!

I start my progesterone tonight and will continue until..............hmmmm



The cycle is boring...

For real...what should I obsess about when I know there is a .0000013% chance I am pregnant this month? Yawn!

The Other Side

You know how some songs just remind you of being infertile and when you hear them you cry?

Well I refuse to listen to those songs anymore.  Instead, I have found something in the not so sad songs.  Not happy and hopeful songs, but one's that make me just feel like...."I am infertile and no one else will understand and everyone else can just pop out babies whenever they want".  Got all that?

Somehow it makes me feel better in a strange way...

Right now I am enjoying Bruno Mars, "The Other Side"

If they say life's a dream, call this insomnia
'Cause this ain't Wonderland, it damn sure ain't Narnia
And once you cross the line, you can't change your mind
Yeah, I'm a monster but I'm no Frankenstein

And quite frankly
I've been feeling insane in between my eyes
I really can't explain what I feel inside
If you knew what I was, you'd run and hide

Many have tried to go into the night
Cross over the line and come back alive
But that's the price we pay
When we living on the other side

You know I, I've been waiting on the other side
And you, all you gotta do is cross the line
I could wait a whole life time but you just gotta decide
You know I, I've been waiting on the other
Waiting on the other side

It's better if you don't understand

So "taking a cycle off"...

isn't so bad after all!

Seriously...I forgot what it was like to be like a normal person.  Yes...still infertile, but yet somehow NORMAL. 

I am not injecting myself with anything, not taking any oral medications, not getting acupuncture, not getting a dildo cam, not getting bloodwork done and finally...NOT being inseminated by anyone other than my husband.

Not going to lie...it is nice.  Who cares if I might have cysts that can rupture at any moment causing horrible pain.  For now, I am infertile and I am happy.

Cycle 30 is a no-go

Went for my CD 2 u/s and before the monitoring began, Dr. M. mentioned that he thought I might have cysts, but he would take a look.  He must have X-Ray vision because he was right....5 huge cysts.

So.......moving along I have to "take this cycle off", but we can still try on our own.  But we know that won't work!  Silly Dr. M.!

DH is finally going to the urologist and getting some b/w done before his appt.  The appt. isn't until Oct 12th, but in the long run, it really isn't too far away. 

Also, Dr. M. said that we would try 2 back to back IUI's for #5.

Well yay for a new(ish) plan, but boo for cysts!

I ain't over 'til....

Yup...that's right.  She (AF) sang her horrible song this morning.  Suprising?  Not really....except I did get a BFP yesterday morning. 

I went in for a beta yesterday...almost for shits and giggles as I knew nothing was going to come of it.  I started spotting at 11dpiui and tested at 12dpiui.  Today is only 13dpiui and "it's a wrap".  The best part about it??  This has been my SHORTEST LP since starting treatment...and I was on Progesterone!  Thanks Prometrium...you are awesome.  Not!

How am I feeling about this?  Suprisingly not that upset...more mad and bitter.  Frustrated and confused.  Why can't I just know what is wrong with me???

Have you ever sat down and thought about how much IF has cost you?

And you have insurance???

I have been thinking about this lately and figure I will try to sit down and calculate my cost of TTC so far....and with no such luck.

$20: Consult with RE

$40: HSG

$45: Pregnancy tests

$30: Ovulation prediction kits

$40: Preseed

$20: RE office visit/monitoring

$9: Clomid

$5: HCG injection

$5: Bloodwork (Beta #1)

$5: More bloodwork (Beta #2)

$20: RE office visit/monitoring

$9: Clomid

$5: HCG injection

$20: RE office visit/monitoring

$9: Clomid

$5: HCG injection

$20: Class on injectables

$20: RE office visit/monitoring

$5: Bloodwork

$20: Gonal-F injectables

$5: HCG injection

$5: Bloodwork

$20:  RE office visit/monitoring

$250: Acupuncture

Brings us to.... $598 for 4 treament cycles.

If I didn't have insurance??????  $234,252,365,995?  Maybe?

Fertility should be free!

It really should.  Why do the majority of women get it for free, but others have to pay so much?  Not just monetarily, but emotionally and physically as well.

I am having a real problem physically the past couple of days.  I have had soooooooo much bloating.  Enough that I considered that I might be having OHSS.  I was am bloated, in pain and just feel like absolute crap.  Why me?  Why my friend?  Why everyone else going through IF?

I'm a dirty girl...

Well at least I felt that way....

So I had to give myself the trigger today.  Seems like not such a big deal since I have been giving myself my gonal-f injects for the past 6 days....buttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt it was. 

First off...I give myself my gonal-f injects through a pen so it is super easy.  I also do it in the privacy of my own home.

Today, my trigger HAD to be done at work, but to make matters worse I had to cross cover today and not work at my normal job.  I found time to sneak away with my "bag" and use the bathroom.  A busy bathroom.  A bathroom with 2 stalls and a line.  A dirty bathroom.

Anyway, there I was...sitting on the toilet, trying to spread out my drugs and needles, while reading the instructions and people jiggling to door to "see if anyone was in there".  To make a long story shorter, it was rushed and panic-like.  Then, after it was over I had to carry out my dirty used needles in my bag.  I felt like I had just done something so bad in a public bathroom at work and needed to find a sharps container immediately!

I've been badddddddddddd......so bad!

So a bunch of stuff has happened...

OK...

1.  I went to a "class" to learn about injectables

2.  I started acupunture 2 days ago

3.  IUI #3 was a FAIL

The injectable class was....crazy.  We learned about the history of injectables and their relationship to nun's urine.  Also, learned that it is illegal in Europe due to the high risk of multiples and a bunch of other really scary crap including how "selective pregnancy reduction" works.

So, the acupuncture was cool, I guess.  We went over my history and why I was there and then I had my "treatment".  It was painless, but it felt weird just to lay on my back for 40 minutes.  I am a stomach sleeper, so laying on my back on a table in a strange place wasn't entirely relaxing.  Hopefully it will get better.  I go back Tuesday.

AF showed today.  I knew I wasn't pregnant after I got a BFN @ 11dpiui, 13dpiui and 15dpiui.  Finally today @16dpiui, she showed.  It's like...once you know you aren't pregnant it is annoying to sit and wait for AF to show up.  She can be such a jokester sometimes!

I will call my RE tomorrow to schedule my u/s and to order my injects for this cycle.  CYCLE 29.  Am I feeling lucky?????

IUI #3 is done

But will it work?  That is the question.

I had 3 follicles at my u/s yesterday and DH's numbers were thankfully higher this time around (12.2 million vs. 3 million last time)

Now the slow tick of the 2ww begins...

I hate....

I hate how IF makes me feel and worse....

I hate how it makes me feel about other people



Ugh...

My stupid psychic reading came in my email just a little while ago..

Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of April 2012 from a cycle that begins the end of March. The baby shows as a girl and her EDD/birth date is referenced the month of January 2013 - specific reference to the 3rd and 9th.
Jennifer
All I have to say is it better not take that long...but at least it didn't say "you will never have another kid, thanks, good bye!"

I'm crazy....but it's a secret!

I cannot even believe myself right now.  What have I done??????

Well...since I can't admit this to anyone in real life, I figured I'd admit it here.  I bought an online psychic reading.  Yes...I bought an online "conception reading" from an online psychic out of Canada.

Although I cannot believe I did this...I also cannot wait for the results.

Here is the link for future reference (you know, in case it works)

http://jennyrenny.jigsy.com/

DH has joined the crazy side as well...

Well this is a story about last cycle, but one I thought I would blog about anyway.  I have always tried not to POAS too early or frequently.  This past cycle I decided to start POAS at 11dpiui and continued on through until 14dpiui.

Then it finally happened.  I for one, dug through the trash to retrieve the pee stick from earlier in the day to double (ok, maybe a little more than double) check to make sure it was really a BFN.  DH didn't laugh at me or give me the side eye.  I think he actually wanted to make sure it was a BFN as well.  Finally, I got someone else to join in my crazy IF thought process.  Then, at 12dpiui I POAS and stared (and stared some more), then brought it downstairs (you know for some different lighting).  I asked DH to look at my pee stick because I started to see a line appear (the magical line...you know, if you stare long enough one will appear).  You had to be exactly 12 inches from the stick and hold it against a white piece of paper and use sunlight (not the normal house lighting).  Then it happened....DH saw the line too.  I was totally expecting a good dose of reality when DH would check out my BFN pee stick and say "well maybe something will be there tomorrow, but it's not there now".  But it didn't happen.  In a way it made me so happy to see how much DH wanted that line to be there too, but also sad for the same reason.

I also didn't throw away my pee sticks for four days straight and DH wasn't grossed out.  I love him!

So the time has come to blog...

I've been putting this off for some time now.  I have always thought about blogging, but I am not very good at forming nice paragraphs and using proper grammar, etc.  Plus, I keep saying, well I am not going to start blogging midcycle, because it will just be a waste since I am going to get my BFP this time around...

But here I am, CD 1 of cycle 28, TTC #2.  Got all that??  For those that don't know all the lingo, I just started the 1st day of my 28th cycle trying to conceive my second child.  I really never thought this would be my life.  I mean really...I got pregnant with Chase without trying.  Some would call it "an accident" or "unplanned" even "careless", but to me, I call it a freakin' miracle.

Anyway, this has been a crazy and emotional journey for me and DH.  As cycle 28 starts here on no more perfect of a day than father's day, I am trying not to lose hope.  I will call my RE tomorrow to schedule my u/s and IUI #3.  ughhhhh....so it begins again....

And here is a picture that just irritates me.... that is the person I have become