7 weeks...

So, we have reached 7 weeks today.  I have pretty much figured out that I need to eat about every 2 hours to avoid feeling sick.  It is pretty pathetic because I am quite the opposite of hungry.

We told ds about having a baby.  He doesn't want a baby brother or sister, he wants a "big kid" brother or sister.  (I don't really blame him!)

1st u/s today...

I had been so nervous leading up to this u/s.  Who am I kidding?  I am still nervous, but I do feel a LITTLE bit better.

I thought I was 6w5d today...pretty close to what Dr. M. said I am...6w4d.  This moves my EDD back one day to August 26th.

After seeing the baby on the screen and seeing it's little heartbeat, it felt pretty good.  Somehow I still seem so detached from all the emotion.  It must be that 'ol defense mechanism kicking in.

Anywho...next u/s to be at 8w1d.

Will I always feel infertile?

I think the answer is yes.

I used to think that the only cure for infertility is...well, gettting pregnant.  But, now I am pregnant and I still feel that deep down inside I relate to infertile people way more than the fertiles.  There are things that feritles will never be able to understand and/or appreciate.  As an infertile, I still feel the need to take the fertiles aside and explain that what they have is a gift that so many long for.  Obviously I don't do this...because as we have said before, you just CAN'T understand if you haven't been there yourself.

Everytime I hear someone say they "really hope for a boy", or I "really hope my baby has blue eyes"....I want to say, you don't understand the meaning of hope.  Just ask an infertile.

6 weeks

So, in only 5 more days I will have my 1st u/s.  I am excited and extremely nervous.  I'm still waiting for the moment someone has to wake me from this dream. 

I still don't understand how this all happened.  I mean, I know if you have sex you can become pregnant....but I had tried that for 33 cycles before this!  I was inseminated not once, not twice but 6 times and it didn't work.  I just can't believe after all we have been through and what we planned on going through, that this could happen like this.  It is too good to be true and that's what scares me most.



Bruno Mars - "It will rain"

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor, oh
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making
To keep you by my side
And keep you from walking out the door.

Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Saying there goes my little girl
walking with that troublesome guy
But they're just afraid of something they can't understand

Oooh well little darling watch me change their minds
Yea for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain

Ooooh Don't just say
goodbye, don't just say, goodbye
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain...

5 week pregnant...

Ok....well I have made it another week.

Only 35 more to go (I hope I make it that far).

2nd beta was in earlier this week.  At 17dpo it was 859.  I am happy with that number, but still anxious.  I have my 1st u/s with Dr. M. on Jan 5th.  Seems like forever away ...even though I know it is not.

4 weeks pregnant....so they say.

Ok...Here I am being a negative Nancy again, but do you blame me?

The good news?  I got my beta results back from my 13dpo b/w  HCG = 130, P4 = 24.  I am quite happy with the results.  When the RE called and said "congrats", I felt so weird and said, "thanks, I guess".  I must sound like such a B word.

The bad news?  I am spotting more today.  It had been brown, but today around 4PM, I started having red spotting.  DAMN IT!  Why??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

Guess all I can do for now is take it easy, drink water and HOPE that the spotting goes away.